recent quotes

Matt: i'd do things to her that are illegal in seven states.
Reggie: i'd do things to her that are illegal in all of them.

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Lamon: i've never tried cocaine before, but i here it's a blast!

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Reggie: i had sexual relations with a pbr can.

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Reggie: nah, she's just sexually open minded. she's only a slut if she won't sleep with you.

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Carl Chang: lkshfqiwbefiwefbliuwegfilwefiwebflwief. NO! NO! jahbfiwefiuwefljhwefjkbviuyufwoefcndiewefunewofubwefiuyewfib.

you know it has been a while

when the idea that women enjoy sex seems like a bizarre and fictitious concept you are obviously in the midst of a long dry spell.

Blumpkins are gay.

for those of you who are ignorant to blumpkins, a blumpkin is when a man is felated as he defecates. for those of you who don't speak latin that means a blow job on the shitter. i was felated one time and enjoyed it so much that i have been waiting ever since for it to happen again, but i never thought the situation could be improved by introducing feces into the equation. how are you supposed to relax and enjoy the soothing sensations of good head when every muscle in your body is clenched as you strain to pass some monstrosity that was once a chilli cheese burrito? how are you supposed to keep a steady enough aim to correctly apply a 5 rope pearl necklace when diarrhea is gushing from your anus like a fucking fire hose? sure, blumpkins make great revenge but do you really want to kiss the mouth of someone who was chowing down on some cock while a stench a five alarm fire couldn't kill was filling here nostrils? the type people that actively seek blumpkins are sexual offenders, gaytards, and this guy:

remember kids, blow jobs are awesome. there is no need to include poo-poo and pee-pee with them. if anything it ruins the blissful experience of having your pole smoked. honestly, if the idea of a voluptuous woman taking you in her mouth (or the idea that anything with a vagina is willing to touch your pecker) is not enough to get you going, if you really think you have to drop a deuce to make that a tolerable experience, maybe you should try the lubed asshole of a man. and how degrading is that to the blumpkineer? she's so low that she has to entertain you while your working out the green apple splatters? why don't you just give her a benjamin afterwards and send her back to her pimp? there is a famous scene in thomas pynchon's "gravity's rainbow" in which a german general is forced to drink the piss and eat the shit of a belgian sex slave named katje. he of course gets off by this without her ever touching his weenie and it illustrates a very profound point in the course of human nature and mankind which is if you mix poo and sex you're a nazi.

sleeping with a hot girl that i want to sleep with... super gay.

that's right kids, even heterosexual intercourse can be extremely fucking gay. for example, if i think that some girl has a slamming body which is turning me on and then you sleep with her later that night then you are a total fag, you cock blocking son-of-a-bitch. there is no forgiveness for this, even if you haven't gotten laid in years and you guys both root for the same baseball team and have seen star wars 473 times. i am a much nicer guy than you and much more talented in the art of love making so do that beautiful lady a favor and keep away, even if i already have a woman friend. you may ask, "but reggie, what if we start dating, build a strong and loving relationship and one day join in holy matrimony?" well, that shit won't happen and if it does she's probably gonna try to bang me by the dumpster at your reception but i won't do it because your my bro and i'm already getting mad play because of my awesome and hilarious best man speech in which i managed to completely embarass half of the wedding party without swearing. anywho, her and i are much more compatible and have a far better chance of a successful relationship. and i do have some decency about me, i don't care how hot your girlfriend or wife is i will honestly think of her as a sister as long as you guys had already started your relationship by the time i meet her. but i will be there to comfort her if you ever cheat on her, you no good asshole.

i'm not saying you don't need to get laid by hot chicks, just don't use me as your chump side kick to throw jokes at and make her laugh so you can score. i saw her first my ass, it is a fair game until the deal is sealed. and how dare you make up stories about me shitting myself to tell her. i can't deny them because that makes me look weak, but come on man, have some class! you know your chump ass is just gonna prematurely ejaculate and stain her nice sofa, so throw in the towel and go work on your on-line poker ranking or whatever lame shit you waste your free time doing.

ryan reynolds, you can go fuck yourself.

p.s. yes that is me in the mirror in that picture.

Dressing up for a movie premier... GAY!

if you admire some fictional character so much that you feel the need to dress as that character when attending a movie premier you are basically telling everyone there that you were thinking of that character when you last were fucking your unsatisfied girlfriend. how are you gonna be inside your girlfriend and thinking of boba fett? or did you make her dress up like boba fett before you started? more importantly, how are you gonna advertise this to everybody? then take pics and post them on the net so anyone that may of missed it can now be affirmed of how much of a douchebag you really are. granted, i'll wear a red sox jersey and cap to a baseball game, but i don't put on the pants and cleats. and honestly, if a hand job would end big papi's slump well i'd have to just buck up and take one for the team. but this guy:


i don't think so. dressing up for movie premiers is the first step to becoming a furry. if dressing up in animal mascot costumes and fucking each other isn't gay, i don't know what is. richard simmons is a furry.

the disturbing thing is how centrally this phenomenom is around the sci-fi genre, which makes sci-fi about as gay as gay porn. i didn't see a single person dressed as daniel plainview at the "There Will Be Blood" premier. i used to get together with friends each week to watch the new episodes of the sopranos and deadwood, but i wasn't dressed as christopher moltisanti or al swearengen (though we did cook italian). these people that dress up as wolverine for an x-man movie are the same retards that wear metallica shirts to metallica concerts. for christ sake, we know you're a fan you are paying to see the damn thing, on opening night! and what do you do afterwards? do you go to the bar dressed like that? pretending and playing dress up usually stops around age 12 guys.

Rocketry? gay.

the phallic motherfuckers aren't gay because of their shape. the rocket, like the penis, is a symbol of power. the cold war space race had nothing to do with exploration beyond our planet, but was simply a big dick contest of who had the rocket that could take them the farthest. rocketry is flat out frightening. mankind's invention of the rocket was the first step of its suicide. kim jong ill or whatever his name is, this guy is known for sitting in a hottub with swedish supermodels, chugging jack daniels, and watching south park, all while he lords over as dictator of a possible nuclear power. it is a goddamn miracle that the national moron george bush didn't drop a nuke during that incomprehensible presidency. pakistan and india must be upset over some cricket game because rocket talk is all the rage there. if i was surrounded by the women they have there i would be too concerned about my own rocket to think about bombing anything. israel and pakistan, what a goddamn mess. of course, it is a mess we caused, and how many deaths has that brought? palestine, i feel ya, but goddammit suicide bombing is not the way to win the sympathy of the world. i wouldn't want a stranger sleeping in my bedroom either. since hiroshima only one force has come close to the destructive powers of the rocket... global warming. we champion albert einstein and werner von braun, who were incredibly smart men, but their genius bred the destruction of the human race. einstein died knowing that he exceeded hitler in the evil he brought to mankind. john d. rockefeller and george hearst never realized the destruction they were bringing to the planet. rockets are the dicks of nations which are used to fuck smaller nations in the ass and do their will. see: cold war, iran conflict, gulf war, regime change in chile/mexico/venezuela/ecuador/panama/attempt in cuba/fiji/myanmar/iraq/argentina/afghanistan/nicaragua... and that is only the USA.

i think it is best to use a foreign example to demonstrate what einstein realized yet never elicited. the chinese invasion of tibet. tibet, a religious country, practices nonviolence. as china invaded, tibet refused to use violence and wrote to several powerful countries throughout the rest of the globe to simply request that these powerful countries recognize them as a sovereign nation. the united states, england, france, india, the ussr all refused to respond to tibet's simple request. china invaded with military force, and still rule the tibetan region today. why? because china has a shit-ton of rockets and nobody cared enough about tibet to go toe to toe with china. in my opinion, and i think einstein would agree, tibet took the higher road in their approach to external aggression. but china had the rocket, the guns, the will to murder. china had the bigger dick and felt entitled.

what good has the rocket done for us? it's arguable it ended WWII. yet it also caused the destruction of so many people, cities, history. it got us to the moon but what does that mean? the rocket gave us satellites, the hubble, satellite t.v., cell phone shit whatever is orbiting around our planet. i could walk outside right now to smoke a cigarette and die from a rocket before i ever even heard it screaming across the sky.

i doubt that rocketry is used to measure the "advancement" of a civilazation as it was in the late 50's and 60's, but nuclear power is still a big dick measure amongst the world. everyone wants it and those who have it want to deny it to everyone else, as well as limit it to those who already have it. what saddens me is that there is a higher answer, something above violence. i believe that the world can overcome rockets. but at the same time i think maybe it is a pipe dream because we refuse to do what is necessary to keep from destroying the world (go green). it is a perfect parallel, the v-2 hit unawares even though you know of its existence and that germany is launching it on london. the v-2 rocket is the foreshadowing of mans destruction. there will be no one to account for our destruction because we have chosen to remain ignorant and will never recognize the signs of our destruction, even as they scream across the sky.

gay guys get the hottest women.

andy roddick's fiance:

Ryan Reynold's wife:

jeff gordon's wife:

and damn tom brady can't even settle for one:

this one sleeps with cristiano ronaldo:

man, i gotta start acting more gay.

Person in profile: A-Rod.

Alex Rodriquez, A-Rod, is possibly the greatest active baseball player and will probably go down as the greatest homerun hitter of all time, but is he gay? you bet your candy ass he's gay. the man has a $300 million plus contract and emotionally cheats on his wife with a wrinkled and mentally unstable madonna? what the hell is wrong with this guy? he's never smiled (except for that time when he heard ken griffey jr.'s child was tragically murdered) and he's getting paid exhorbitant amounts of money to PLAY A GAME! lighten up bitch. take a cue from manny ramirez and take a chill pill or do bong hits in the dug out. or maybe not, because that no good fucking judas bitched and whined until he got traded to the dodgers. so manny is gay too. these guys should be partners on dancing with the stars. manny would forget where he was and that he was dancing and a-rod could criticize his make-up artist and cry in the arms of some washed up pop star celebrity judge. i'm not even going to try and figure out what the deal with manny's hair is, but i am sure he and rupaul share a stylist. actually, between the two i'm not sure who's more gay. why don't you decide!

Exposing your genitalia to your friends? not gay!

everyone knows that the only thing funnier than a big hairy ball sack is a big hairy ball sack with a penis. big jim and the twins are some ugly sons-a-bitches, which is only one of the many reasons why it is so funny to make people look at them. is your friend down about the death of his fiance? give him a good tea-bagging and watch the pain melt away through laughter. bored on a long trip? smash them twig and berries against the window and watch the children in other cars scream in horror. ever hang your rod out around a nun? that ride isn't for people with heart conditions. of course the victims of your hilarious and witty jokes are completely gay for looking at dicks. why would anyone look at a dingaling if they didn't want to put it in their mouth? hahaha, fags. i've even bought special wants so i can whip it out instantly in the most surprising place: banks, the laundry mat, fancy restaurants, the library, the coffee shop, class, the DMV, the supermarket, abrecrombie and fitch, sci-fi conventions, drag races, college football games, the opera, the zoo, the botanical gardens, the dollar store, the museum of art, and express oil change. granted the pants weren't necessary at many of these places as i've been able to have sex there. my penis has seen more of birmingham than most of the residents here and has frightened about half of them. let it out fella's, give'em some air! hell, if you can do the helicopter you might even impress a pretty girl.

NOTE: this picture is a fountain in prague, czech republic and is an ode to the czech's freedom to pee anywhere. as they piss in the pool in the shape of the czech republic their hips swivel back and forth and their tallywackers flop up and down. it's awesome. i don't have a picture of the horrified face of someone who has just spotted an unexpected rock hard baby arm staring them down.

Dressing up as a Cowboy? not gay!

if you're making a guest appearance on "Deadwood," otherwise it's pretty gay. if you are in the city and you see a cowboy he is either a male stripper (yeah, no way those guys are gay) or in a Village People cover band. i think cowboys used to be cool until they found out john wayne and bear bryant were having an affair. there's a reason the marlboro man loved smoking cigarettes just like there's a reason the brits call them fags. i don't know when exactly cowboys stopped being murderous criminals proclaiming their self righteousness behind a badge and started fucking each other in the ass in tents on mountainsides, but i suppose whiskey and train robberies just aren't as appealing as they used to be. i think what ultimately united the cowboy image with homosexuality was those two famous cowboys a couple of years ago, toby keith and kenny chesney. being that i cannot listen to a full song from either of these men because their music gives me explosive diarrhea i cannot tell you how explicitly homosexual or racist their music is, but they always play it at rodeos so it must be pretty strong stuff. i'm sorry, i'm getting a little choked up... i really don't wanna get rid of all my boots!

p.s. be careful of what color bandana you wear when you dress up as a cowboy because someone might think you want to be pooped on or something.

PROPS! photo is courtesy of the artistic talents and genius wit of Phill Mims.

Dressing up your pets? GAY!

dogs and cats aren't really concerned about their appearance. for christ sake, they eat their own shit and greet each other by sniffing assholes. much like me, when they're horny they'll hump anything that's willing, and some things that aren't. but people please, stop humiliating your pets by putting dresses and "i'm purrrr-fect" shirts on them. when people see you walking a dog with a "born to be wild" tank top on the first thing the think is, "i bet he's licked that dog's penis before. or at least let the dog lick his." and i know the old saying about peanut butter on your balls isn't gay because it's, "your dog," but that makes no fucking sense (with cats it's another story). i know you don't believe it but a labrador dressed as evil kneivel is neither cute nor funny. only on halloween is this acceptable, and just barely so because most people will probably think your pet is just an ugly kid. torturing your pets with ridiculous outfits is just flat out cruel. that's why you have children.

p.s. why isn't PETA all over this? maybe because the pet clothing industry creates thousands of jobs for indian and mexican children.

Man purses or murses? gay.

simply using the term murse is the same as saying, "i finish every gym work out by jerking off my spotter." if Macgyver can disable a bomb with shit he finds lying on the floor then there is no reason for a man to be carrying around enough stuff to require a purse. ever wonder why every murse you look at has a strap to hold your dildo in place right next to the anal lube pouch? they're not suggesting you sodomise your wife. a good rule of thumb: if it won't fit in your pockets then you don't need it. this is why hair gel and "muscle and fitness magazine" don't fit in your pockets. plus, a murse is an accessory which means it is not necessary and is therefore serving the main purpose of looking cute. no murse has ever been described as bad-ass or bitchin.

DISCLAIMER! the term murse can also refer to a male nurse. this type murse is not gay! although they may have to touch penises and bathe naked man they are providing a needed and honorable service. but do beware of a murse carrying a murse or a man dressed as a nurse.

these guys? gay.

i mean really, that guy is wearing an auburn football shirt. this is definitely post-coitus.

Having any knowledge of "Sex and the City" whatsoever? gay.

i don't care how dramatic carrie's relationship is or what antics samantha is getting herself into, knowing anything about sex and the city is gay. the point of the show is to fuck as many dudes as possible before you land the right man that will support, protect and go down on you for the rest of your life. obviously, a man would have to be a homosexual to relate to these characters. it's the female's/gay man's soft core porn. DIALOGUE BREAKDOWN: 22% the recent sexual activities with whatever douchebag they've been blowing and how much money he has, 17% finding "mr. right" who's description is not only not male but not human, 16% shoes, 15% menstrual cycles, 12% other people's shoes, 10% babies, 8% miscellaneous shit like small dogs as fashionable accessories and the color pink and how it enriches everything. 98% of this dialogue is held over cosmopolitans, which fall in the appletini catagory. the women aren't even good looking. sarah jessica parker looks like a horse that got kicked in the chest. there is not a single appealing thing about this show to interest a man. i don't care how good the acting may or may not be, writing, cinematography, directing, or whatever, unless you have a vagina or use your ass as one there is no reason for you to watch this show.

Ordering an Appletini? gay.

alcohol is something all types enjoy (except nutjob religious types that everyone avoids like the plague). thankfully, the variety of alcohol out there let's you know what type of person you are dealing with. someone asking for, "your cheapest pitcher of beer," has a job with his/her name on their shirt. someone that asks, "what microbrews do you have?" will inevitably tell you about some band you've never heard of and how they will supposedly change your life. someone that orders a fine scotch by name will refuse to look you in the eye or recognize you as a human being. and a man that orders an appletini will ask you to garnish it with a tampon and then offer to blow you in the bathroom.

NOTE! a martini is gin with a bit of vermouth or make it dirty with some olive juice. this is what real men drink, like james bond. all of these other concoctions passing themselves off as martinis are creations for people who can't handle the taste of alcohol but still want to get drunk; mainly young women and gay men. guys, the bar is not a candy store. john wayne didn't shoot buttery nipples and brett favre didn't celebrate his superbowl victory with a malibu bay breeze.

Not Being Good at Sports? Not Gay!

not being good at sports doesn't make you gay, it just makes you less of a man. plenty of gay men are excellent athletes, such as tom brady, andy roddick, tim tebow, and dennis rodman. sports are an excellent way to stay in shape and keep your body looking nice and fit, which gay men care more about than women (see sitcoms such as "king of queens" or "seinfeld"). and unless you are good enough to play at the professional level sports really don't help you to score poon. you can spend your time doing much more productive and less physically stressful stuff like getting drunk in bars or saying witty things to the girl in front of you in the starbuck's line.

Speaking French? oui, c'est tres gay.

unless you were born in a place where french is spoken natively, then speaking french is gay. there is not a phrase or sentence you can say in french that sounds intimidating or bad ass. try saying, "my truck has 456 horse power," or, "i drank a whole case and ran a marathon," in french to another man and he'll ask you to take his wife to the ballet. french is the beautiful language and the only things straight men find beautiful are women and 54 foot putts. the only american men that french women like are rich american men. they don't have to learn french because they have money. therefore, there is no reason for a straight man to have a working knowledge of french.

Admitting to owning a John Mayer record? not gay!

But listening to one of your own accord is super gay. i'm not sure what his songs are about, but the music sounds like a dolphin fucking a unicorn on top of a rainbow. unfortunately women like this, so it permissable to own a john mayer album or have some of his songs on your ipod in order to help you seduce women. the sound waves that permeate out of speakers as his c.d. plays actually melts panties. but be forewarned, if you learn to play a john mayer song on a guitar and you play and sing this song to a girl and it causes her to sleep with you, hire a lawyer. she's underage. or don't because you're so gay you'll enjoy all the free sex in prison.

posting cute or funny pictures of cats on your web page? gay.

cats are finicky, arrogant creatures who constantly ignore you and whine when they want something, like women. yes, cats are effeminate animals but owning one is only slightly gay, like owning a small dog. a man can use a cat or small dog to get women to sleep with him, but he will also attract gay men with said animals. cats can be a good pet as long as you don't give a shit about your pet, and plenty of straight dudes have pets they don't give a shit about. taking pictures of your cat makes uncomfortably questionable the adoration level you have for an animal. also, only gay men and women like things that are "cute" unless the cute thing is a human female and then the dude will only bang her if the hot one won't bang him. therefore, everytime you think something is cute, you are seen as a little more gay. when you think something is so cute that you post it on the internet and proclaim its cuteness to the entire world you are essentially coming out of the closet.

to see cute pics of my cats visit my facebook page.