Blumpkins are gay.

for those of you who are ignorant to blumpkins, a blumpkin is when a man is felated as he defecates. for those of you who don't speak latin that means a blow job on the shitter. i was felated one time and enjoyed it so much that i have been waiting ever since for it to happen again, but i never thought the situation could be improved by introducing feces into the equation. how are you supposed to relax and enjoy the soothing sensations of good head when every muscle in your body is clenched as you strain to pass some monstrosity that was once a chilli cheese burrito? how are you supposed to keep a steady enough aim to correctly apply a 5 rope pearl necklace when diarrhea is gushing from your anus like a fucking fire hose? sure, blumpkins make great revenge but do you really want to kiss the mouth of someone who was chowing down on some cock while a stench a five alarm fire couldn't kill was filling here nostrils? the type people that actively seek blumpkins are sexual offenders, gaytards, and this guy:

remember kids, blow jobs are awesome. there is no need to include poo-poo and pee-pee with them. if anything it ruins the blissful experience of having your pole smoked. honestly, if the idea of a voluptuous woman taking you in her mouth (or the idea that anything with a vagina is willing to touch your pecker) is not enough to get you going, if you really think you have to drop a deuce to make that a tolerable experience, maybe you should try the lubed asshole of a man. and how degrading is that to the blumpkineer? she's so low that she has to entertain you while your working out the green apple splatters? why don't you just give her a benjamin afterwards and send her back to her pimp? there is a famous scene in thomas pynchon's "gravity's rainbow" in which a german general is forced to drink the piss and eat the shit of a belgian sex slave named katje. he of course gets off by this without her ever touching his weenie and it illustrates a very profound point in the course of human nature and mankind which is if you mix poo and sex you're a nazi.

sleeping with a hot girl that i want to sleep with... super gay.

that's right kids, even heterosexual intercourse can be extremely fucking gay. for example, if i think that some girl has a slamming body which is turning me on and then you sleep with her later that night then you are a total fag, you cock blocking son-of-a-bitch. there is no forgiveness for this, even if you haven't gotten laid in years and you guys both root for the same baseball team and have seen star wars 473 times. i am a much nicer guy than you and much more talented in the art of love making so do that beautiful lady a favor and keep away, even if i already have a woman friend. you may ask, "but reggie, what if we start dating, build a strong and loving relationship and one day join in holy matrimony?" well, that shit won't happen and if it does she's probably gonna try to bang me by the dumpster at your reception but i won't do it because your my bro and i'm already getting mad play because of my awesome and hilarious best man speech in which i managed to completely embarass half of the wedding party without swearing. anywho, her and i are much more compatible and have a far better chance of a successful relationship. and i do have some decency about me, i don't care how hot your girlfriend or wife is i will honestly think of her as a sister as long as you guys had already started your relationship by the time i meet her. but i will be there to comfort her if you ever cheat on her, you no good asshole.

i'm not saying you don't need to get laid by hot chicks, just don't use me as your chump side kick to throw jokes at and make her laugh so you can score. i saw her first my ass, it is a fair game until the deal is sealed. and how dare you make up stories about me shitting myself to tell her. i can't deny them because that makes me look weak, but come on man, have some class! you know your chump ass is just gonna prematurely ejaculate and stain her nice sofa, so throw in the towel and go work on your on-line poker ranking or whatever lame shit you waste your free time doing.

ryan reynolds, you can go fuck yourself.

p.s. yes that is me in the mirror in that picture.

Dressing up for a movie premier... GAY!

if you admire some fictional character so much that you feel the need to dress as that character when attending a movie premier you are basically telling everyone there that you were thinking of that character when you last were fucking your unsatisfied girlfriend. how are you gonna be inside your girlfriend and thinking of boba fett? or did you make her dress up like boba fett before you started? more importantly, how are you gonna advertise this to everybody? then take pics and post them on the net so anyone that may of missed it can now be affirmed of how much of a douchebag you really are. granted, i'll wear a red sox jersey and cap to a baseball game, but i don't put on the pants and cleats. and honestly, if a hand job would end big papi's slump well i'd have to just buck up and take one for the team. but this guy:


i don't think so. dressing up for movie premiers is the first step to becoming a furry. if dressing up in animal mascot costumes and fucking each other isn't gay, i don't know what is. richard simmons is a furry.

the disturbing thing is how centrally this phenomenom is around the sci-fi genre, which makes sci-fi about as gay as gay porn. i didn't see a single person dressed as daniel plainview at the "There Will Be Blood" premier. i used to get together with friends each week to watch the new episodes of the sopranos and deadwood, but i wasn't dressed as christopher moltisanti or al swearengen (though we did cook italian). these people that dress up as wolverine for an x-man movie are the same retards that wear metallica shirts to metallica concerts. for christ sake, we know you're a fan you are paying to see the damn thing, on opening night! and what do you do afterwards? do you go to the bar dressed like that? pretending and playing dress up usually stops around age 12 guys.