recent quotes

Matt: i'd do things to her that are illegal in seven states.
Reggie: i'd do things to her that are illegal in all of them.

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Lamon: i've never tried cocaine before, but i here it's a blast!

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Reggie: i had sexual relations with a pbr can.

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Reggie: nah, she's just sexually open minded. she's only a slut if she won't sleep with you.

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Carl Chang: lkshfqiwbefiwefbliuwegfilwefiwebflwief. NO! NO! jahbfiwefiuwefljhwefjkbviuyufwoefcndiewefunewofubwefiuyewfib.

you know it has been a while

when the idea that women enjoy sex seems like a bizarre and fictitious concept you are obviously in the midst of a long dry spell.

Blumpkins are gay.

for those of you who are ignorant to blumpkins, a blumpkin is when a man is felated as he defecates. for those of you who don't speak latin that means a blow job on the shitter. i was felated one time and enjoyed it so much that i have been waiting ever since for it to happen again, but i never thought the situation could be improved by introducing feces into the equation. how are you supposed to relax and enjoy the soothing sensations of good head when every muscle in your body is clenched as you strain to pass some monstrosity that was once a chilli cheese burrito? how are you supposed to keep a steady enough aim to correctly apply a 5 rope pearl necklace when diarrhea is gushing from your anus like a fucking fire hose? sure, blumpkins make great revenge but do you really want to kiss the mouth of someone who was chowing down on some cock while a stench a five alarm fire couldn't kill was filling here nostrils? the type people that actively seek blumpkins are sexual offenders, gaytards, and this guy:

remember kids, blow jobs are awesome. there is no need to include poo-poo and pee-pee with them. if anything it ruins the blissful experience of having your pole smoked. honestly, if the idea of a voluptuous woman taking you in her mouth (or the idea that anything with a vagina is willing to touch your pecker) is not enough to get you going, if you really think you have to drop a deuce to make that a tolerable experience, maybe you should try the lubed asshole of a man. and how degrading is that to the blumpkineer? she's so low that she has to entertain you while your working out the green apple splatters? why don't you just give her a benjamin afterwards and send her back to her pimp? there is a famous scene in thomas pynchon's "gravity's rainbow" in which a german general is forced to drink the piss and eat the shit of a belgian sex slave named katje. he of course gets off by this without her ever touching his weenie and it illustrates a very profound point in the course of human nature and mankind which is if you mix poo and sex you're a nazi.

sleeping with a hot girl that i want to sleep with... super gay.

that's right kids, even heterosexual intercourse can be extremely fucking gay. for example, if i think that some girl has a slamming body which is turning me on and then you sleep with her later that night then you are a total fag, you cock blocking son-of-a-bitch. there is no forgiveness for this, even if you haven't gotten laid in years and you guys both root for the same baseball team and have seen star wars 473 times. i am a much nicer guy than you and much more talented in the art of love making so do that beautiful lady a favor and keep away, even if i already have a woman friend. you may ask, "but reggie, what if we start dating, build a strong and loving relationship and one day join in holy matrimony?" well, that shit won't happen and if it does she's probably gonna try to bang me by the dumpster at your reception but i won't do it because your my bro and i'm already getting mad play because of my awesome and hilarious best man speech in which i managed to completely embarass half of the wedding party without swearing. anywho, her and i are much more compatible and have a far better chance of a successful relationship. and i do have some decency about me, i don't care how hot your girlfriend or wife is i will honestly think of her as a sister as long as you guys had already started your relationship by the time i meet her. but i will be there to comfort her if you ever cheat on her, you no good asshole.

i'm not saying you don't need to get laid by hot chicks, just don't use me as your chump side kick to throw jokes at and make her laugh so you can score. i saw her first my ass, it is a fair game until the deal is sealed. and how dare you make up stories about me shitting myself to tell her. i can't deny them because that makes me look weak, but come on man, have some class! you know your chump ass is just gonna prematurely ejaculate and stain her nice sofa, so throw in the towel and go work on your on-line poker ranking or whatever lame shit you waste your free time doing.

ryan reynolds, you can go fuck yourself.

p.s. yes that is me in the mirror in that picture.

Dressing up for a movie premier... GAY!

if you admire some fictional character so much that you feel the need to dress as that character when attending a movie premier you are basically telling everyone there that you were thinking of that character when you last were fucking your unsatisfied girlfriend. how are you gonna be inside your girlfriend and thinking of boba fett? or did you make her dress up like boba fett before you started? more importantly, how are you gonna advertise this to everybody? then take pics and post them on the net so anyone that may of missed it can now be affirmed of how much of a douchebag you really are. granted, i'll wear a red sox jersey and cap to a baseball game, but i don't put on the pants and cleats. and honestly, if a hand job would end big papi's slump well i'd have to just buck up and take one for the team. but this guy:


i don't think so. dressing up for movie premiers is the first step to becoming a furry. if dressing up in animal mascot costumes and fucking each other isn't gay, i don't know what is. richard simmons is a furry.

the disturbing thing is how centrally this phenomenom is around the sci-fi genre, which makes sci-fi about as gay as gay porn. i didn't see a single person dressed as daniel plainview at the "There Will Be Blood" premier. i used to get together with friends each week to watch the new episodes of the sopranos and deadwood, but i wasn't dressed as christopher moltisanti or al swearengen (though we did cook italian). these people that dress up as wolverine for an x-man movie are the same retards that wear metallica shirts to metallica concerts. for christ sake, we know you're a fan you are paying to see the damn thing, on opening night! and what do you do afterwards? do you go to the bar dressed like that? pretending and playing dress up usually stops around age 12 guys.

Rocketry? gay.

the phallic motherfuckers aren't gay because of their shape. the rocket, like the penis, is a symbol of power. the cold war space race had nothing to do with exploration beyond our planet, but was simply a big dick contest of who had the rocket that could take them the farthest. rocketry is flat out frightening. mankind's invention of the rocket was the first step of its suicide. kim jong ill or whatever his name is, this guy is known for sitting in a hottub with swedish supermodels, chugging jack daniels, and watching south park, all while he lords over as dictator of a possible nuclear power. it is a goddamn miracle that the national moron george bush didn't drop a nuke during that incomprehensible presidency. pakistan and india must be upset over some cricket game because rocket talk is all the rage there. if i was surrounded by the women they have there i would be too concerned about my own rocket to think about bombing anything. israel and pakistan, what a goddamn mess. of course, it is a mess we caused, and how many deaths has that brought? palestine, i feel ya, but goddammit suicide bombing is not the way to win the sympathy of the world. i wouldn't want a stranger sleeping in my bedroom either. since hiroshima only one force has come close to the destructive powers of the rocket... global warming. we champion albert einstein and werner von braun, who were incredibly smart men, but their genius bred the destruction of the human race. einstein died knowing that he exceeded hitler in the evil he brought to mankind. john d. rockefeller and george hearst never realized the destruction they were bringing to the planet. rockets are the dicks of nations which are used to fuck smaller nations in the ass and do their will. see: cold war, iran conflict, gulf war, regime change in chile/mexico/venezuela/ecuador/panama/attempt in cuba/fiji/myanmar/iraq/argentina/afghanistan/nicaragua... and that is only the USA.

i think it is best to use a foreign example to demonstrate what einstein realized yet never elicited. the chinese invasion of tibet. tibet, a religious country, practices nonviolence. as china invaded, tibet refused to use violence and wrote to several powerful countries throughout the rest of the globe to simply request that these powerful countries recognize them as a sovereign nation. the united states, england, france, india, the ussr all refused to respond to tibet's simple request. china invaded with military force, and still rule the tibetan region today. why? because china has a shit-ton of rockets and nobody cared enough about tibet to go toe to toe with china. in my opinion, and i think einstein would agree, tibet took the higher road in their approach to external aggression. but china had the rocket, the guns, the will to murder. china had the bigger dick and felt entitled.

what good has the rocket done for us? it's arguable it ended WWII. yet it also caused the destruction of so many people, cities, history. it got us to the moon but what does that mean? the rocket gave us satellites, the hubble, satellite t.v., cell phone shit whatever is orbiting around our planet. i could walk outside right now to smoke a cigarette and die from a rocket before i ever even heard it screaming across the sky.

i doubt that rocketry is used to measure the "advancement" of a civilazation as it was in the late 50's and 60's, but nuclear power is still a big dick measure amongst the world. everyone wants it and those who have it want to deny it to everyone else, as well as limit it to those who already have it. what saddens me is that there is a higher answer, something above violence. i believe that the world can overcome rockets. but at the same time i think maybe it is a pipe dream because we refuse to do what is necessary to keep from destroying the world (go green). it is a perfect parallel, the v-2 hit unawares even though you know of its existence and that germany is launching it on london. the v-2 rocket is the foreshadowing of mans destruction. there will be no one to account for our destruction because we have chosen to remain ignorant and will never recognize the signs of our destruction, even as they scream across the sky.

gay guys get the hottest women.

andy roddick's fiance:

Ryan Reynold's wife:

jeff gordon's wife:

and damn tom brady can't even settle for one:

this one sleeps with cristiano ronaldo:

man, i gotta start acting more gay.

Person in profile: A-Rod.

Alex Rodriquez, A-Rod, is possibly the greatest active baseball player and will probably go down as the greatest homerun hitter of all time, but is he gay? you bet your candy ass he's gay. the man has a $300 million plus contract and emotionally cheats on his wife with a wrinkled and mentally unstable madonna? what the hell is wrong with this guy? he's never smiled (except for that time when he heard ken griffey jr.'s child was tragically murdered) and he's getting paid exhorbitant amounts of money to PLAY A GAME! lighten up bitch. take a cue from manny ramirez and take a chill pill or do bong hits in the dug out. or maybe not, because that no good fucking judas bitched and whined until he got traded to the dodgers. so manny is gay too. these guys should be partners on dancing with the stars. manny would forget where he was and that he was dancing and a-rod could criticize his make-up artist and cry in the arms of some washed up pop star celebrity judge. i'm not even going to try and figure out what the deal with manny's hair is, but i am sure he and rupaul share a stylist. actually, between the two i'm not sure who's more gay. why don't you decide!

Exposing your genitalia to your friends? not gay!

everyone knows that the only thing funnier than a big hairy ball sack is a big hairy ball sack with a penis. big jim and the twins are some ugly sons-a-bitches, which is only one of the many reasons why it is so funny to make people look at them. is your friend down about the death of his fiance? give him a good tea-bagging and watch the pain melt away through laughter. bored on a long trip? smash them twig and berries against the window and watch the children in other cars scream in horror. ever hang your rod out around a nun? that ride isn't for people with heart conditions. of course the victims of your hilarious and witty jokes are completely gay for looking at dicks. why would anyone look at a dingaling if they didn't want to put it in their mouth? hahaha, fags. i've even bought special wants so i can whip it out instantly in the most surprising place: banks, the laundry mat, fancy restaurants, the library, the coffee shop, class, the DMV, the supermarket, abrecrombie and fitch, sci-fi conventions, drag races, college football games, the opera, the zoo, the botanical gardens, the dollar store, the museum of art, and express oil change. granted the pants weren't necessary at many of these places as i've been able to have sex there. my penis has seen more of birmingham than most of the residents here and has frightened about half of them. let it out fella's, give'em some air! hell, if you can do the helicopter you might even impress a pretty girl.

NOTE: this picture is a fountain in prague, czech republic and is an ode to the czech's freedom to pee anywhere. as they piss in the pool in the shape of the czech republic their hips swivel back and forth and their tallywackers flop up and down. it's awesome. i don't have a picture of the horrified face of someone who has just spotted an unexpected rock hard baby arm staring them down.

Dressing up as a Cowboy? not gay!

if you're making a guest appearance on "Deadwood," otherwise it's pretty gay. if you are in the city and you see a cowboy he is either a male stripper (yeah, no way those guys are gay) or in a Village People cover band. i think cowboys used to be cool until they found out john wayne and bear bryant were having an affair. there's a reason the marlboro man loved smoking cigarettes just like there's a reason the brits call them fags. i don't know when exactly cowboys stopped being murderous criminals proclaiming their self righteousness behind a badge and started fucking each other in the ass in tents on mountainsides, but i suppose whiskey and train robberies just aren't as appealing as they used to be. i think what ultimately united the cowboy image with homosexuality was those two famous cowboys a couple of years ago, toby keith and kenny chesney. being that i cannot listen to a full song from either of these men because their music gives me explosive diarrhea i cannot tell you how explicitly homosexual or racist their music is, but they always play it at rodeos so it must be pretty strong stuff. i'm sorry, i'm getting a little choked up... i really don't wanna get rid of all my boots!

p.s. be careful of what color bandana you wear when you dress up as a cowboy because someone might think you want to be pooped on or something.

PROPS! photo is courtesy of the artistic talents and genius wit of Phill Mims.